it might be broken

I’ve been feeling a little bit off for the last few weeks. I’m not sure what it is. The sun is shining, my serotonin levels are up, I just bought new sandals. Life is good. But something feels broken, or at the very least a little bruised.

This happens periodically. I’m not the most consistently chipper girl on the planet, by any stretch of the imagination. What is strange about this time is that my usual fix isn’t working. It used to be that there was certain music that I could listen to that would act as the Neosporin on all the little scrapes and bruises of my psyche. It didn’t fix them, but it made them heal a little faster, with slightly less scarring.

And my music isn’t working anymore. In fact, it feels a little foreign to me right now, like somehow it changed, or maybe I changed. But it’s not the right fit. And instead of making me feel better, it’s just making me feel sad.

I think maybe it’s because the music reminds me too much of a friendship. Well, not even really a friendship, per se. Have you ever met someone that you liked to be around, but the friendship was always more important to you than it was to the other person? Where you are always left feeling like maybe you aren’t funny enough, or smart enough, or special enough to qualify to be that person’s friend? Who needs friendships like that, right? And for this person, I always feel like I am always held at arms length, like I am allowed to exist on the periphery of their existence, but not any closer. And that was enough, for such a long time, that I convinced myself that it was all I was worthy of.

Then I spent time with other friends who brought me in as family, with open arms and open hearts. And I think maybe the contrast between the two made me realize that I’m not only worthy of true, honest friendships, but also that maybe the other relationship isn’t worth all of my energy.

It’s not that the person is a bad person, by any stretch of the imagination. And the person will probably always be a part of my life, but I’ve started to accept the limits of where our relationship lies. I’m done making all the effort though. It’s too exhausting.

Back to the broken – How do you heal when your favorite comfort reminds you of your sadness?